A Short Essay on the Expectations of a Squirrel

Nuts, nuts, nuts is the world; so much that I have decided to become a squirrel! No point in tracing how I got to this point, since we can all relate. But, if there is any confusion, let us just say that I’d rather take my chances dodging motor vehicles and domesticated pets than with the impending collapse of civilization (Hehe…I squeak in anticipation as it shall be us, the almighty squirrels, that will come to dominate the world after the humans meet their deserved peril!).

Now, as far as I can tell, there are three things that my squirrelmanship requires of me. First, I am supposed to figure out how to crack these damn nuts. I feel as though I should use the knowledge I gained as a human here…Ah ha! I will climb to the highest branch and let gravity do the work! But, this is one of the reasons I became a squirrel: not having to work so damn hard. Oh how my bushy tail laments!

Second, I believe I am expected¬†to mate with these magnificent squirrelitas. My insides burn with craving as I turn and to my left and see Lola, who has the curviest of talons and stubbiest of noses! How amazing our little squirrelettes would be…But, then it dawns on me. I could never talk to females as a human, so how could I possibly as a squirrel? I’m hoping for an Isaac Newton like nut-falling-on-the-head moment here…

Third, I must defend the homeland. This tree wouldn’t have stayed sovereign without the selfless bravery of all those who squeaked before me. Now you see, squirrel military operations are¬†quite a bit different than human ones. We have no need for guns or WMD; instead, we use poison darts made from the fallen branches of our homeland and our feces. Side note: A huge difference between our fine squirrelish civilization and the humans’ is that we never send our youth to die trying to take each other’s resources. We squirrels are a proud collective (with limited authority!) where everything one could need is found within our society. But, back to squirrel military operations…In the event of unfriendly relations with our squirrel brethren, we use the telephone wires as zip lines to communicate and DEFEND OUR TREEDOM.

squirrel one

squirrel three


As you can see, life is so much more simple and peaceful as a squirrel. Sure, there’s still hard work (Damn it!…I still have to go pick up that nut that I dropped in order to crack), but at least we control our own squirrely lives. Becoming a squirrel is the best decision that I ever made.

[Editors Note: Only a few short hours after Logan wrote this piece, his squirrely life came to an end. He tried crossing the road and a car was coming. Rather than just run two feet off of the road to where he was going, he decided to try to make it all the way back to the other side. We will hold a squirrel funeral for him soon, and we ask for nuts instead of flowers.]



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