BREAKING: Trump first in line for experimental hand enlargement

Earlier this week, an English surgeon announced that he would be making an experimental operation available for testing on human volunteers. Dr. Hanson Longfellow previously performed an experimental hand surgery on an ape, and now, he says he is ready to give it a whirl with a human. The application period began Monday and officially closed at 10 PM GMT on Friday.

As one would imagine, Dr. Longfellow’s phone has been ringing off the hook since this announcement was made, and out of the dozens of applicants, one man stood out among the others: the President of the United States of America.

That’s right, my sources have confirmed that Donald J. Trump will be the first human to undergo the experimental hand enlargement surgery. In an unpresidented move, Mr. Trump has requested that both hands be operated on, something that Dr. Longfellow has never attempted, but that he will not shy away from.

“No, I’m not worried at all about the risks of enlarging both hands in a single operation. In fact, I think it’s a wise choice by the President. The best, even,” said Longfellow.

When I asked Dr. Longfellow about the procedure, he had this to say:

“We actually rely on donors to get this done, there’s just no other way to go about it. To start out, we separate the proximal phalanges from the metacarpals. Very basic. Then, I’ll take the metacarpals from a donor’s hand, shape them to make them look consistent with the recipient’s, and fuse the sets of metacarpals together before reattaching the phalanges. We also have to use the donor’s skin to provide extra room to house the larger hand. It’s a very simple procedure, really.”

Dr. Longfellow also told me that the procedure has quite a long recovery time. It takes anywhere from twelve to eighteen weeks to regain full mobility of the hand. This could actually bode well for Americans and even the rest of the world, at least in the near future, as such a recovery period would prevent President Trump from signing any executive orders for the next three to four months.

We were not able to confirm the date of President Trump’s upcoming operation, and the White House could not be reached for comment. Soon enough, though, we may be seeing a man with a new look in the Oval Office. A man who is just a bit more big league.


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